When I was in my twenties, I thought most of the adults at the age of thirties would already be figuring out their lives. That they would have reached financial stability, that they would be in good mental and physical state. But now that I am in my thirties, I realized that I had no clue at all. I am still trying to figure out life, still trying to understand myself better.
There is a book that I am currently reading that gives me a better idea of how to start discovering myself. When I turned 30 in 2022, I felt some changes from within. Suddenly, I have so many questions about myself – why did I react the way I reacted? Why do I feel the way I feel? It was only until last year I began to unravel the pain and trauma from my past. It started with a book, Professional Troublemaker, written by Luvvie Ajayi. She talks about understanding who we are at the individual level, owning who that person is, know where to draw lines when there is a conflict, and building our personal growth. The book was such an eye awakening for me.
In the past, I would read books about financial management, business, and habits of the highly successful people. But what I didn’t realize was that I was lacking self-awareness. I didn’t fully understand myself, or the pains that I have suppressed for years. In my mid-twenties, I noticed that I was struggling to live in the present. That I kept holding on to the past. But I couldn’t figure out why. I kept on revisiting old memories from the time when I was still in Australia so that I could feel good about myself. Today, I almost cried reading a book about letting go of the past and connecting with the present. I could feel heavier emotions coming from within.
What happened to me back then was, I was afraid of changes. I rejected it. But what I didn’t realize was that the more I resist the flow of change, the more I struggle from within. Instead of embracing change, I pushed it away. I couldn’t accept the fact that my life has changed. At that time, I was having a life crisis. Because of the sadness I felt, I craved for what I was missing, the feeling of happiness. The craving quickly became an attachment for me. My life in Brisbane was filled with happy moments. I was living life in full colors. So, because I was craving for that feeling, the only way for me to experience happiness again was by depending on the past. I was no longer living in the present moment. The problem with this attachment was that it made me wanted to do the impossible, to control the reality.
In 2020, when the world was hit by a deadliest virus, I had my first anxiety attack. What a surprise? The experience was scary. I couldn’t understand what was happening to me. I thought I was fine. It took me four years after that incident to finally understand that my anxiety came from my own desire to control the future. The same amount of year it took for me to realize that my controlling habit is coming from the conditioning of the past.
Our anxiety does not come from thinking about the future but wanting to control it.– Kahlil Gibran
We started to develop this conditioning since childhood, and it contributes to shaping our personality and patterns. When we are in a difficult situation, how we react and feel will leave an imprint in our subconscious mind thus shifting our conditioning. So, if you have children, the childhood phase is very important as it gives a massive impact to their lives especially when they become an adult.
The controlling habit that I have is coming from my childhood pain and trauma. What had caused the anxiety attack was my inability to accept that nothing is permanent in this world. The thought of losing my parents haunted me. I was so worried thinking about my parents’ condition who live miles away from me especially my dad who has diabetes. Since we couldn’t see each other due to travel restrictions, and seeing some of my friends’ parents passed away due to this virus added more tension to my already tensed emotions. The fact that I had no control over the situation stressed me out. The anxiety attack was my mental giving signal to my body that it needed help.
There is one crucial part of healing called acceptance. Everything in this world exists because of the movement of change. The morning turns to night, the young-healthy skin will turn wrinkly, every good moment will eventually come to an end, and all living things will die. This is fact, and I know this, but the problem I had when I was in my mid-twenties was that I refused to fully accept it out of fear for change. I craved for good emotions to a point where I was too afraid to let it go. My mind lingered on the good memories from the past while my body was living in the present. In fact, even now, there is still some part of me that struggle to let go of what is burdening me mentally and emotionally. Hence why this self-discovery journey is so important to me. I am trying to heal myself from the painful past, and trying to learn to embrace the truth of impermanence. Nevertheless, I am grateful for this process. Grateful that I am aware of my pains now.
The reason why I’m sharing this on my blog is because I want people to know especially the young ones that at the age of 30, it is okay to still be figuring out your life. You don’t have to know it all yet. I never like to show my vulnerability, but reading Luvvie’s book made me realize that it is okay to not be okay. So, if you are in your thirties and you are still not married, still don’t have kids, or still struggling to find means to cover your daily expenses, please don’t pressure yourself. Take one step at a time. Live in the present and enjoy life while it lasts.
I hope that by me sharing this part of my life will help you feel at ease, and that you will find inspirations from it too. Know that this post was a challenge for me to write, but I’m glad that I did it anyway. I promise I’ll share something lighter in the next post. For now, take care and stay healthy.
